cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You are a booty call, not a friend.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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