Hey man sorry I got all grabby
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
