they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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