I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We got so high we made milksteak
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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