I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
