Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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