Can i not drive my cunt home
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
