I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm bleeding and have questions
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
