So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
