My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
