In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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