Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
