Who wears a wallet chain?!
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
