I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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