mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
too bad you live with your parents still
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
