I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
