Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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