She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
