Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
