I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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