I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
