Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
