I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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