i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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