All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
