How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
