So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
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