Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
