i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
