Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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