It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
