his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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