lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
