dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
sarcasm needs its own font
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
