I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
