Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
