I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
