I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
