I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
