please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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