so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
