There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
