It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
