i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Randomize
