Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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