threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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