I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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