i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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