The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Sext me about skeletons
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
