Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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