highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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