I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
